just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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