I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
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Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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