so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
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We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
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i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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