I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
