I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
