If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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