I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
