You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
