I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
