I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
