he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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