I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
