i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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