3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
