he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
