I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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