Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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