Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
