I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
