I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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