She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
