one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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