Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
