i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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