I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
