Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
