i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
