Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
