pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
