sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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