I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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