foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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