I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
