i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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