Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
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i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
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My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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