Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
