So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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