I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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