I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
