By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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