I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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