i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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