drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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