Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
