I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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