Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
