i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
