i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
