8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
