I need help removing her.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
