I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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