i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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