My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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