He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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