I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
