Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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