I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
